We Are All Mothers
Getting married and having children is the cultural norm, even more so for Christian women. But for me, it was different. After marriage, I didn’t feel compelled to have children. A lot happened during my unwed years, another story for another time, which led me to really “think” that I should absolutely have children, but again, I did not actually feel led to do so….why? Most women have an ache for children, a deep desire to be a mother, but I didn’t.
I struggled with this for years and prayed often about it but the Lord never changed my heart on it, nor did he give me the green light to pursue it, which was confusing. My family members and friends were all having children, I felt isolated and like no one could relate to me. Why was I not like them? It would have been so much easier to just fit in. I was constantly asked when I was going to have children. Some assumed my mind would change, or perhaps hoped it would.
But I didn’t want to have children simply because that’s what I was “supposed” to do, I wanted to have children because that’s what God wanted me to do. Of course He would want that, right? He loves children. So why did I sense a pause/hesitancy, after getting married and thinking about having children? I would soon find out.
When I was 32, I was at church and Faithful Friends, a non-profit mentorship organization, spoke at the service and mentioned that they’d be having informational meetings soon. I felt a small prompting from the Spirit to go but I brushed it off, not thinking much of it nor doing anything about it. About three months later, they were back, promoting the program and letting the congregation know about their upcoming informational meetings. This time around, the Spirit was LOUD, it was not a small prompt that I felt but a crystal clear, “You’re going!”
I was obedient this time around.
I attended and learned about the program which focuses on mentoring vulnerable children between the ages of 6-9 years old who come from tough home/life circumstances. Even though I didn’t have much experience with kids, I was confident that God was asking me to do this.
I expressed my intent to my husband, and to my surprise, he said he wanted to do it together. So, we began the training process to become mentors!
About three months later we were matched with Aaliyah, a 6 year old girl. It took several months for her to get comfortable with us, but over time, as we were consistent, she started to open up. It was a joy to be with her! We knew that God had placed us together and that part of HIS plan for us was to love on her. Through our relationship with her we grew close to the entire family, a single mom situation with 5 kids. We experienced a lot of difficulty and heartache as we walked alongside them, but we persisted as we knew we were in God’s will.
After a couple years of mentoring Aaliyah, the Spirit spoke up again. This time, regarding foster care.
We had no experience with the foster care system, nor did we know anyone who fostered but the Spirit just popped it in my mind. I was terrified! I thought to myself, “We don’t even have our own children, and yet you want us to care for children with trauma?! You certainly have the wrong people because we are NOT equipped!” I sat on it for a bit, not saying anything to my husband. I assumed he’d say no, but I was wrong. The Lord had prepared him and when I brought it up, he was onboard.
We saw a lot of painful things while mentoring Aaliyah, but there was really not much we could do as mentors, but with fostering, we could make a bigger impact. Our families had come to love Aaliyah and thought it was a nice thing that we were doing, but to take it a step further and decide to foster, that was another level!
Some of them mentioned that we could simply have our own children, but that was not what God was calling us to do, He had a different plan for our lives. We began the foster certification process September 2018 and were officially certified by March 2019; it was a long process. Shortly after our certification was finalized, we were flooded with foster kid cases. The stories and circumstances were heartbreaking. We carefully read through the case notes and prayed, asking the Spirit to guide us.
There were a lot of nos before there was a yes. When Neviah’s case, a 9 year old girl, was presented to us the Spirit spoke, “This is the one.” We discussed it together and agreed, letting the certifier and caseworker know of our decision.
A meeting was then scheduled to meet her.
Prior to that meeting, Jeff and I decided to go on a “babymoon.” Of course we weren’t birthing a child, but we were becoming parents and our life, as we knew it, was about to change. We headed to Bend for a long weekend to process and enjoy time together.
While there, I started freaking out. The enemy was flooding me with insecurity and I thought, “We can’t do this! We aren’t the ones, we’re not even parents!” But, the Lord is so gracious and loving when we’re following Him, He reassures us, which is exactly what He did.
We were out to dinner in Bend and while waiting in the restaurant lobby, the Spirit prompted me to go speak to this woman who was also in the lobby with her family. At first I said no, given that I didn’t know her of course and had no idea what to say. But, the Spirit nudged again and I couldn't ignore it so I walked over and struck up a conversation. She proceeded to tell me that she’s not from Bend and that she and her family were in town for a basketball tournament for her foster son.Her foster son! Ding ding ding! I shared that my husband and I were stepping into foster care and that I was terrified. Over the next 10 minutes, as we were waiting to be seated for dinner, she encouraged me on my path. It was as if the Lord was speaking directly to me, letting me know that I’m headed in the right direction and that He’s with me. I felt so loved by the Lord and was then flooded with peace regarding our decision to say yes to Neviah. 
Not long after we got back, we met Neviah for the first time. She was so nervous to meet us and didn’t talk much. She was removed from her mother’s care when she was 8 and had been with her current foster family for a year but due to some legality, not worth explaining here, she couldn’t stay with them. She had been through a lot and was certainly scared to change homes, again. During this visit, the Spirit spoke to me. He said that she would be my daughter and that I would be her mom.
This message was confusing to me because Jeff and I had no intention of adopting. The Lord had not given us that directive. We felt led into foster care to give kids a safe place to live while their parents got healthy with the end result being reconciliation. Never had we thought of becoming full time parents. This message scared me a bit so I pushed it aside.
Neviah’s transition to our home was slow and intentional. Over the next month we had a couple more visits. During this transition time, her mom left the state with no intention of returning. There was no goodbye; she left without notice. It was devastating for Neviah. At this time, the Spirit prompted again saying, “She will be your daughter, and you will be her mom.” I paid more attention this time around but was still hesitant about what I heard.
We continued with the transition planning and the date that worked for the final move-in day was May 10, 2019, Mother’s Day Weekend. That’s right - Mother’s Day weekend! Neviah even asked Jeff to take her to pick out a Mother’s Day gift for me. She had met me only a couple of times and yet, she wanted to get me a gift. The Lord had bonded her to me right away.
In addition to all these promptings/signs, I recognized that the time from starting our certification process in September to Neviah’s move in date in May was 9 months, symbolic of the pregnancy stage. The Lord was really harping His message to me, that I was going to be her mom! Side note: I’m so thankful that God guides us progressively because if he would have told us upfront that we’d be adopting, we would have certainly felt overwhelmed. Instead, He gave us the next directive, right when we needed to know it.
Shortly after Neviah moved in, she and Aaliyah met. They liked each other and became quick friends! They’re the same age and their birthdays are both in January. It’s almost as if our time with Aaliyah over the years was preparing us to parent Neviah; it gave us experience with a girl her age. Seems that God’s hand was orchestrating the whole thing! A little over two years later, on June 8th, 2021, we were celebrating Neviah’s adoption day. What God had said to me came to fruition. What a wild journey, one I had NO part in planning!
I share this story for a couple reasons, to show that truly following the Spirit leads you down unexpecting/unplanned paths, and that being a mother can look differently than what we think it might. I think too often, we look to culture, instead of God, for what we should be doing. We think we should go to college, get a good job, get married, buy a house, and have children, but what if that’s not God’s plan for our lives?
What if we let go and truly look to the Lord for what’s next, despite what everyone else is doing or even what we really want? What if our sole focus was pleasing and following Jesus, not pursuing our own path to “fulfillment?” Our purpose is to worship our King and reconcile others to Him; that is it, everything else is secondary. Why do we so easily lose sight of this?
I could have caved to the pressure of having children so that I could fit in and not feel so isolated in my decisions but after getting married, that was not how God was leading me. He needed me to “mother” Aaliyah and to adopt Neviah. If I would have chosen not to follow Him, I would have missed out on partnering with Him in loving these girls. When we say no to God’s plans, we miss out on being a part of His kingdom work. If I would have said no, He would have of course worked through someone else, but I would have missed out. I’m so glad I listened, despite other’s opinions and the fact that I too was scared. There is nothing more fulfilling than knowing you’re in God’s will for your life.
As for being a mother, I know this is a sensitive subject for some, especially those who desperately want to be mothers but have yet to become pregnant. I have a friend who has struggled with pregnancy for nearly 10 years. She has wrestled with the Lord over this desire and at times, felt that He was punishing her in some way. What if God simply has a different plan for her life? What if He needs her to “mother” a neighbor kid or a foster kid?
When we’re so fixed on how we want our lives to look, we can feel disappointed when it doesn’t turn out the way we want and also miss out on what God truly has for us. This life is not purely for our enjoyment, it is to partner with God in His kingdom work, that is the priority. Are you holding onto something so tightly, causing you to miss out on God’s true calling for your life?
One of my favorite verses is Psalm 16:11:
"You make known to me the path of life, in your presence there is fullness of joy; with eternal pleasures at your right hand."
Let’s break it down.
The Lord makes known to us the path of life, true life, eternal life with HIM. In His presence there is fullness of joy, not in success, pleasure, money, social media, vanity, food/drink, or even family. ONLY in Christ will you find fullness of joy. With eternal pleasure at His right hand, not earthly pleasures that will be here one moment and gone the next. God is focused on kingdom pursuits which result in eternal pleasure. His priority is not to make you “happy” while here, even though with Him you will indeed experience joy and peace; His priority is to bring forth His kingdom so that all may be reconciled to Him.
Let’s refocus on what truly matters by submitting our plans, wants, and dreams to the Lord and letting Him guide us down unexpected and unplanned paths! His purposes are GREAT, far superior to ours. Let’s trust the story, even when it’s scary, confusing and countercultural, knowing that God has GOOD plans for us. Plans that will bring forth the Kingdom and glorify Him!
I leave you with a few prayers from the YouVersion Bible App that I like. May they realign your heart with God’s and push you toward obedience so that you may experience HIS will for you.
“God, I open up my hands right now as a symbolic act of surrender. I want every area of my life to bring You glory, and that requires humility and surrender. So today, I hand You my life. Show me how to be a part of bringing Your kingdom to earth–as is done in heaven. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
God, at all times, let Your will be done in me. I know this isn’t an easy thing to say. I know that following You requires accepting struggles that are beyond my control. But I also know that Your plans are good, and I want to take part in those plans. So today, I surrender. Teach me Your will. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
God, You invite me to obey You because You want the very best for me. Please make me eager to obey You, even when I don’t understand Your plan. Give me wisdom to recognize the difference between what I think is best, and what Your will is for my life. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
For more information on Faithful Friends and how to become a mentor, contact Faithful Friends.