Victim to Valuable
Does anyone else do their best thinking in the shower? There must be something in the combination of the hot water, moment of solitude, and release of tension under that spray which gets my mind reeling. It's all together cleansing as I sort and file away my thoughts; it’s also where I most easily give my mind over to prayer.
On this particular day, it was just weeks after my 13th wedding anniversary and I was feeling frustrated by being in the throes of divorce. I did everything right, according to the Christian standard. I met a strong man of faith while working at summer camp, dated for two years, waited for marriage to have sex, and then lived a fast-paced life serving my husband as he served our country.
We had the American dream; having both graduated from college without debt, waited 5 years to start our family, had a solid retirement plan, and traveled the country with our three kids. By the time we celebrated our 12th anniversary, we had been on 4 honeymoons, kept up on monthly dates, prayed together nightly, read our Bibles each morning, and were hopelessly devoted to one another. I was secure in our marriage and completely loyal to the life we created with God at the center.
So what went wrong? Why didn’t God protect my marriage? Why was I not still married? I followed every rule in Christian culture, so why was I not rewarded with a happily ever after?
During this string of questions that I brought to God, in a more or less accusatory tone, I was immediately answered. Bless my soul, my King answered my questions, “Because it’s not about you.” And in my spiritual maturity of 28 years, I responded, “Well, that’s rude! Why not? I’m a victim here and didn’t deserve this turnout.”
I peppered God with questions like, “Why didn’t He protect me from my husband’s sin? Why wouldn’t a loving God protect my marriage when we did such wonderful things for His Kingdom?” Then My King, who is so patient with me, answered again in the way He so often does, through the scripture written on my heart:
“An excellent wife is the crown of her husband.” Proverbs 5:18
“The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the LORD.” Proverbs 18:22
“Rejoice in the wife of your youth.” Proverbs 12:4
What I didn’t know is that my husband was living in sexual sin and had decided to stray from our marriage. It wasn’t my fault our marriage ended, and it wasn’t God’s fault either- it was sin’s fault. God revealed to me that he had been calling and wooing my husband into submission for a while, asking him to leave the desert of his sin so that he could honor me and enjoy the true nature of marriage. My husband refused to give up his will to sin. Therefore, God, in His just jealousy for his soul and worship, mercifully refused to let him remain in his adultery.
He broke my marriage wide open in hopes of humbling this man and getting back his lost sheep. You see, dear reader, my relationship and marriage to my husband is not the point. My husband's soul and relationship with The King are more important than my marriage.
So, God removed his blessings, humbling him by taking his wife and three children. He blinded him of our goodness and allowed him to choose darkness, and my husband welcomed it. God brought me and my kids to live here in Gresham and put us in a safe and secure home, wrapped in love and provision.
God showed me that I am too valuable to be left in a marriage where he was secretly sinning against me, abandoning our covenant, and dishonoring what marriage represents. God loves me so much that he’d rather my marriage end, absolve me from my covenant, and then be my provider through the pain; than let me struggle and toil for a decaying marriage.
God is right, my marriage isn’t about me, it’s about being a representation of love and sacrifice. It’s about raising Godly children and my family's worship and unity. My husband wasn’t able to be a part of that, while he engaged in an affair; so God removed me because I’m valuable.
I honored my vows and my commitment and He loved me enough to take my life painfully, turn it upside down, ask me to trust in Him, and then time and time again provide for me during the pain.
When I was asking the wrong questions: Why didn’t God protect me? Why would God allow this to happen to me? Doesn’t God love me? My answers could only point to questioning God’s character and who He says He is. This is the oldest trick in Satan’s book!
“Did God really say you must not eat from any tree in the garden?” Genesis 3:1
He wanted Eve to question God’s provision and love for her. My questions were doing the same thing; wondering why I was a victim and how God must not love me or marriage, as he claimed.
However, when I asked different questions based on God’s true and right character, I came to a whole new conclusion. Is my marriage more important than God’s relationship with us? God saw that my husband was not honoring our convent and gave him free will to choose darkness and destroy our marriage, and then He applied discipline.
Doesn’t a loving father discipline his son? What is the point of a covenant if there are no repercussions to breaking it? Is staying married to my husband more important than God’s hope for him to be a godly man, walking out of his faith?
The truth is: God does love marriage- therefore, He didn’t allow my husband to continue in secret sin. God does love me; therefore, He didn’t allow my husband to dishonor me. God does love my husband; therefore, humbling him will sanctify him. God loves Jesus; therefore, His sacrifice on the cross will be honored, and unrepentant and perpetual sin is a disgrace to the free gift of salvation.
I left that conversation with my God feeling like a beautiful daughter of a King, and no longer the abandoned wife of a sinful man’s lust. I went from being a victim of my circumstances to being valuable and cherished.
Praise God.
Chelsea is a mom, relationship coach, and beloved daughter of the King. You can read more about her here.