Loss
Fourteen days before my 14th birthday, my dad took his last breath. It was the winter solstice, often called the year’s darkest day because of its short sunlight window. But it most certainly felt like the darkest day to me.
The months leading up to it felt dark, too. At times we’d be encouraged by my dad’s outward improvement, only to find that his cancer had spread once again. Through it all, though, he had spoken unceasingly about God’s sovereignty, saying everything was happening according to God’s beautiful plan. But it got harder for me to believe as I witnessed my provider, protector, and friend lose his brain function and eventually cry out in fear as he was whisked away to the hospital in the middle of the night. How could God have ordained this in his perfect and good plan?
The months leading up to it felt dark, too. At times we’d be encouraged by my dad’s outward improvement, only to find that his cancer had spread once again. Through it all, though, he had spoken unceasingly about God’s sovereignty, saying everything was happening according to God’s beautiful plan. But it got harder for me to believe as I witnessed my provider, protector, and friend lose his brain function and eventually cry out in fear as he was whisked away to the hospital in the middle of the night. How could God have ordained this in his perfect and good plan?
In the years following, I found myself in a deep valley of grief and sin. I wholeheartedly chased things that did not honor God. Sometimes, the valley felt too deep, and I wanted to let it become my grave.But we serve a God who walks through the valleys beside us and saves us from them.
The Lord pulled me out of that time, and showed me how he had always been working and providing. Without the loss of my dad, people wouldn’t have shown up and raised enough money for us to move to Oregon. And if we had never moved to Oregon, I wouldn’t have met my husband. In his kindness, the Lord even blessed me with another dad here. My father-in-law, through whom I can see God’s care and love for me. The Lord graciously filled every space in ways I never could have dreamed of.
I still miss my dad terribly, and grief is something I will carry with me until I see my dad again. But what I’ve ultimately come to realize is that without the loss of my dad, I’m not sure I would have understood the depth and power of God’s provision and love for my family and me.
Without that exceptionally dark day in my life, I might not have recognized the radiant glory of God’s providence and goodness that even still shines brighter.
