Raising a relationally intelligent teenager
Parent Podcast · Arrows - WEEK 04
As a teenager, I distinctly recall having a curiosity about God and an interest in the Christian God in particular. But there was this one thing that really deterred me from the Church.
It was kid in my freshman computer class. He was loud, obnoxious, immature, disrespectful, distracted, annoying, and outspokenly Christian. He wore bad Christian tee-shirts, never cussed, and talked incessantly over the teacher. It was a class with assigned seating and as a non-Christian teenager obsessed with achieving a high GPA one of the closest ways I ever got to prayer was asking the universe not to sit me next to him. But guess who I got seated by?
Through that experience I came to believe Christians were sheltered, socially immature kids that lacked people skills. What turned me away from from Christianity? It was simple: low relational intelligence on the part of a Christian.
On the contrary, I met this group of Christians who were kind, thoughtful, inclusive, genuine,, listeners. I remember hanging out with them at Wallstreet Pizza and thinking, whatever these guys have, I need it. Weeks later believed the Gospel.
As much as I believe the preached Word alone is sufficient to save souls, I can’t deny that the poor interpersonal skills can sure keep you from good bible preaching. Or as Steve Saccone wrote, "When we love people well, we become the proof of God.” In my first year at Rise Youth I gave out his book “Relational Intelligence" like candy among our leaders. This is such a huge value to me, to my home, and to our ministry. I want to ask you to consider why this value is so important.
What does it look like to be a relationally intelligent teenager?
Scripture teaches that the heart of rellational intelligence is the art of becoming second.
Philippians 2:3–4
[3] Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. [4] Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
At the heart of relational intelligence is a heart to serve others, to be second in importance, or as Paul says it, “to count others more significant than” ourselves. Without this heart relational intelligence is just manipulative tactics to get what we want. But, if we have a heart posture of being second, people-skills are just the natural and necessary outflow of servanthood.
The world tells that you are first. But Scripture teaches that we must become second. Jesus as our example, we are to empty ourselves and count others as more important than us.
This is why serving is so important. When we started Rise Youth, I had a very strong team of adult leaders. And since most of those adults were close to high school age I actually kind of failed to involve teenagers in serving in the youth ministry. This was one of the biggest mistake I made. Students aren’t just the object of the ministry but need to serve in ministry.
They are growing up in a world telling them that they are entitled, that they are mere victims, and they are consumers—and so the world owes them something. Being matured away from that thinking is a huge part of the discipleship journey! Jesus followers are not entitled to service but called to serve.
If a student’s experience of Church and youth ministry is strictly receiving the ministry we’ve taught them consumer Christianity. Christianity is not a cheap product we consume but a power from on high that consumes our very lives. What students need as much as attending services and hearing preaching is to participate in serving and preaching with their lives.
As a new Christian I got plugged into serving. Whether it was being told to share my testimony, stacking chairs, playing worship, or cleaning the floor, it was immediately ingrained in me that following Jesus meant serving others. I joined the student leadership group “Impact” on Sunday nights and all our leadership lessons looking back were lessons in servanthood. Becoming second means that you’re never the most important. Jesus is. And by implication others are too. Because Jesus taught us to treat others as though they are Him.
Servanthood must translate into raw relational intelligence.
Proverbs 11:30
The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life, and whoever captures souls is wise.
This verse is speaking to the ability to “capture souls”—to win people over. I’m convinced we need to teach teens raw relational intelligence.
Jordan Peterson is a Psychology Professor at the University of Toronto whose book “12 Rules For Life” sold over 3 million copies. He made the claim in “The Psychology of the Flood" Podcast Episode that the most important human skill we can teach our kids for life is likability.
Dale Carnegie makes the same point in “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” Learning to win people, love people, hear people, and genuinely help them is the essential skill you need for health and success in almost every realm in life. The rest is details.
Over and again, the smartest people will argue that success hinges not first on intelligence but relational intelligence. But is this just a worldly idea? I would argue no.This is thoroughly biblical.
Think about the Apostle Paul. Paul wasn’t just a relentless missionary, he was an adroit team builder. We find him very effectively tearing apart the Church in Acts 8 and 9. How is he doing it? Not solo but with a huge team. Even while he was still working against Jesus the dude had mad people skills. But then God decides to redeem that skill being used for evil for Jesus’ glory instead.
Now, consider after he got saced. After getting plucked from darkness we find Paul now flipping the world upside-down again but this time not for religion but the Gospel. How does he do it? By the force of his personality? No. Through teams. With his redeemed interpersonal intelligence.
Pau l traveled with Luke, Barnabas, Priscilla and Aquila, Timothy, and Silas, just to name a few. He established teams of elders in every church. It seems he knew hundreds if not thousands or tens of thousands of people. Evangelizing them personally, and referencing them in his letters. Now, we’ll let the episode with splitting up with John-Mark go for the sake of argument. Paul, by his own admission was not even a compelling orator (2 Cor 11:6). But one thing we can be sure of was he knew how to engage people. There’s no question Christianity’s most effective leader was a effective because of interpersonal giftedness.
Well, before Paul’s example, we know flows from the nature of the God. We worship a Trinitarian God who is in and of himself “love” (1 John 4:8). Jesus was love incarnate. The Spirit fills us with His love to love others. And they will know we are Jesus’ disciples by our love for one another (John 13:35).
Are your kids good with people? This is one of the primary wins in parenting. Fearing this, I’m often insisting Ollie looks people in the eye, listens, asks questions, and works on self control.
It’s theologically consistent and practically critical. When I see how badly I can do at this I fearfully pray. I’m no expert but we’re in this together. It’s a skill that leads to success, failure, or somewhere in-between in life after high school. And yet, there's a lifelong learning curve to relational intelligence.
How do we teach this?
Relational Intelligence Takes Practice.
I’ll conclude with a practical way I try to engage students on this.
We teach it regularly. Every year at Rise Youth we’ve engaged students with a sermons series on Relationships. Students come because they want to learn about dating. Ironically I urge them to consider not dating until after high school, when they’re mature in Christ, and don’t teach dating for the entire series. I include a teaching on friendship, and always emphasize basic people skills.
I believe high school and middle school are the time for relational practice. Not dating practice—good grief!—relational practice. How you treat friends that are opposite gender, siblings, parents, teachers, coaches, bosses, and peers teaches you how to treat a future boss, future employees, you future spouse and kids.
Learning to make eye contact, remember meetings, use self control in heated debate, remember names, show genuine interest, ask good questions, give gifts, be courteous, and negotiate fairly are all skills you can learn in relevant teenage relationships.
We do small groups. I am adamant about students being a part of a small group. This is VITAL!!! Man alive! To not learn to do life in Christian community is tragic for teens. It was Christian community that molded me. I learned the extremely loving, sincere, and pleasant way Christians interact with each other in stark contrast with the harsh, insincere, manipulative ways of the world.
Christian love, transparency, honesty, accountability, compassion, and friendship is so vital to discipleship and maturity I almost can’t fathom overemphasizing belonging to a small group. My small group of guys are one the main reasons I’m walking with Christ today.
Dudes like Tyler Nobes from Rise, and Skyler Elmer who I include some story about in practically every sermon I’ve taught at Rise were shaping relationships for me. They were dudes in my small group of friends from youth group. What a treasure I had them. To this day I live in community having the foundation of that group.
That’s my strategy, now what about you? I want to know! Would you take a moment to share an idea in the Parents-of-teens slack channel right now for discussion. Let’s learn from one another.
